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I’ve been writing this post several times; write it, delete it, rewrite it, delete it again, write another topic, delete it all the same, and I loss count how many attempt it is already, but I’m rewrite it all over again, now in English.

I don’t really know why it seems like I write better in English; not better better like it will win an award or something, but more flowy. It’s funny, I guess, if I think about it that way. I’m not really heavily use English in my daily life actually, and I actually mostly think in bahasa Indonesia.

But somehow, it’s easier for me to write in English; not easier easier like I can write it in instant or so, of course; still need some time, a break to ponder, a while to do other things, but it seems like I know what I want to write when I try to write it in English.

I guess, and it is just an assumption, when I write in English, I have to time to think what I want to write, and that little time helps me organizing my thought, giving me the idea of what I should write, and how I will write it.

Another assumption is that writing in English means I can write down my thought without having to write down my thought as I thought it. Like I said, I’m thinking in bahasa Indonesia, right? That makes writing in English feels like having another layer; like I’m trying to be open about myself, but not in entirely.

That got me to think about that time when I were with my friends, and we play the game of ‘What Kind of Book I am?’, and we were all agreeing that I’m an open book in a locked glass cabinet. Like you can easily read me, but only for the part that I let you to read; because if I were an open book in a glass cabinet, you can easily read me, but you can’t turn the pages, so you can only read the part I’m showing.

In a way, I’m glad that I can still be open, like I’m intended to; but on the other hand, I feel ashamed that I can’t really be open with you guys when I really want to. I know that it’s not something to be ashamed of, that a progress is a progress, that baby step is still a step.

I wish I can be really open with you. I’m trying. I kept telling myself that, however little, I put some efforts. But does it really count when I have to use proxy?